The top ten ways to increase your notoriety and bottom line from killing dogs…
10. Be a narcissistic lazy quarterback in the NFL, skip practices, and most importantly give less than 90% on the football field. Make sure you flip the fans off on the field when they call you out on it. Feel free to engage in this type of behavior because when you come back as just a “mediocre” human being…you will be looked upon as the “Second Coming” because you can play football. Remember…the worse your behavior now the better you will look down the road…
9. Continue to hang around your loser childhood friends and engage in the mutilation and killing of innocent dogs for pure pleasure.
8. Plead ignorance when your “compound” is busted and admit your guilt ONLY when your cohorts turn on you.
7. Use your time wisely in prison and continue your work out regimen…the same regimen you should have been doing while being one of the highest paid quarterbacks in NFL history…but didn’t do because you are narcissistic and lazy
6. After the completion of your prison term, engage the help of the NFL Commissioner “I’m a freakin moron Goodell” and convince him you are a changed man. Let him know the NFL should re-hire a convicted felon although 70% of normal employers run criminal background checks and refuse to hire based on being a convicted felon.
5. Get a new PR man to run your “I’m a changed Man” campaign. Don’t forget to talk to the little “kiddies” and tell them that mutilating and killing dogs for pleasure is a “bad bad thing.” No need to sound convincing…it’s only necessary to go thru the motions.
4. Thankfully the “workout regimen” you engaged in while spending some quality time with your prison buddies will give you a new edge when a desperate franchise “pretends” they are giving you a second chance… when in reality they are looking at their bottom line and see the “financial benefit.”
3. Arrange for interviews that do not hold you accountable for your past actions…but only want to talk about what a great football player you are. Pretend you are willing to go on “Oprah” but make sure to back out due to scheduling issues, when in reality you are just trying to gain more “notoriety” for “pretending” you are willing to talk to the big “O”. Gain more notoriety when stating publicly that you think you “deserve” another dog because your daughter is sad. Make sure and mention that you “loved” your dogs in one of the interviews…but…here’s the important part…make sure you hold this interview with a “complete moron” so they don’t ask you “what the hell are you talking about…how can you say you loved them when you mutiliated your dogs for not showing game???” (Always…Always…only agree to interviews with complete morons)
2. Here’s the good part…after you follow the above steps….you will start to “reap” the benefits of being a convicted dog killer. You are now bigger and more loved than you have ever been. You are a redeemed football hero and the sponsors and fans will start flocking to you like flies on shit.
1. And the number one reason to be a dog killer is that NIKE will sign you….