I was listening to my favorite song of all time today….”Waiting for my real life to begin.”  This song moves me to the core every time I hear it…I don’t know why.  I’ve listened to it countless times and I’ve always assumed I related to the words in the song because I am waiting for something fabulous to happen…as everybody does…and sometimes I am disapointed…and sometimes I am not.

But today, it had a different meaning to me.  Today the words were not about a new life…but a do-over.

I wish I had a do-over… as a parent…I raised my son as a divorced parent and I have had guilt for many years, not because I raised him as a single Mother, but because I didn’t raise him…all in…

A line in the song is “Just be here now“….I am quite sure my young son voiced that to me on many occassions…but somehow I didn’t hear it.  I was too busy being pre-occupied with relationships, a career, and just too damn tired.

Of course anybody raising their children as a single parent knows the struggles one can face.  But I’m not going to pretend it was only that.  It was more about putting other things ahead of him because I always thought “tomorrow” would be the day I really engaged in being a great Mother..when all my energy would be focused on him…and I never quite made it. 

Don’t get me wrong…I was always there physically…I attended every ball game and school function.  But there were so many areas where I fell short….So many times when I was just too tired emotionally to put that extra effort in…not realizing that eventually it would be too late…There would come a time when he really wouldn’t  need me anymore. 

He has forgiven me…but I haven’t forgiven myself….not really.  I want a do-over.  I want to raise him as an older wiser parent that knows where her priorities are…not in a relationship…not in her career….and not in waiting for another day…but in the here and now. Not on the horizon… and not when I’m waiting for my new life to begin…but now…when things matter and are real…

I know there are no “do-overs.” There are only regrets.  I’ve never been a believer in reincarnation…but at times I wish there was…I would want my son to find me thru some cosmic wave or divine intervention… and let me try again…

And yes…Religions, Spiritualists, New Agers, and even Quantum all talk about the “NOW.”  It makes great t-shirt sayings and books… but it is so hard to live by. 

The next time I would not only go all in… but I would also double down. 

So to all my friends that have a chance to do it right the first time…don’t let anything become the priority over your children.  When the balance isn’t right….error on the side of your children…there isn’t a better time…or a better day…there is only today…and that’s all that matters…

I don’t know why I’ve chosen this particular time to see a different message in my favorite song…but something is telling me to blog about it…

So…here it is…


4 Responses

  1. Love the blog, love the compilation. Who sings that version of this song? Loved it!

  2. Ain’t no parent in the world who doesn’t want a do-over… if your son has forgiven you, time to forgive yourself.

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